Creating safe places for others and ourselves.
Photo by Kevin Erdvig on Unsplash
I just returned from a family vacation in the Northwoods of Wisconsin. Pristine lakes, towering birch trees and the heavenly scent of pine surrounded us. So far north from my home in the suburbs that bald eagles, loons, black bears, and timber wolves dwelled among us. Every evening we would build a large fire and gather around it. Those nights were magical under the dark sky and impossibly bright Milky Way.
It’s wonderful to be surrounded by the people we love the most.
The Campfire was warm, glowing, real and life-giving. Life was true around the fire. Life was simple. There were no distractions. With a twinkle in their eyes, our adult kids told stories about their childhoods that had me holding my stomach in laughter. “Remember when mom wouldn’t let us watch Cajou on TV because he was too whiny?” “Remember when Dad took me to the zoo and forgot my shoes?”
As the evening advanced and the stars shone brighter in the night sky, we would share some hard things. Spoken into the dark were things we regretted doing. We also shared our greatest joys. We responded with, “I’m so proud of you for moving on from that boyfriend who cheated on you. That shows so much strength and courage” and “As I watch your new marriage in action this week, I am so happy for the choices you’ve made. You guys compliment each other perfectly.” There was never any pushing, pulling, or agenda at the Campfire. It was just encouragement and relationship and asking permission before giving advice.
As other people would wander by, enticed by the warm glow, we would pat the chair next to us and say, “Grab a seat! There is room for one more.”
Overheard at the Campfire:
• You know a lot.
• You are safe here.
• What are you hoping for?
• Are you taking good care of yourself?
• I love who you are becoming.
• You are welcome here.
• I saved a spot for you.
• Your thoughts matter.
• There is a place for you here.
• You have so much to offer.
• Ask for what you need.
• Would you like my help?
• Here is the road I took.
• This is what I learned.
• You can overcome this.
• Can I hug you?
• I’m learning so much from you.
• Let’s go for a walk.
• Do you need some space today?
• I am praying for you.
• You are still learning.
• You can change your mind.
• I see the good person you are.
• You are not alone.
• I love how unique you are.
• I forgive you.
• I am sorry.
Nobody felt the need to take anything away from anybody else…only to share what he or she has learned.
The Campfire represented truth, love, beauty, and purpose.
At the Campfire we learned how to speak truth and identify truth. We learned how to listen to others and ourselves while blocking out distractions.
Vacation is over now, but I’m still longing for the Campfire.
Then I got to thinking…is it possible to build Campfires in my non-vacation life?
I realized the Campfire invites us to take it with us wherever we go.
But, how do we create our own Campfire?
How do we identify loving people and places?
How do we create safe places for others and ourselves?
Exercise for finding your Safe Places and Safe People:
- Close your eyes. Picture yourself around the warmth and glow of a Campfire.
- What words do you long to hear?
- What conversations do you want to have?
- What have you wanted to reveal to someone?
- Who do you see sitting there next to you?
- Who are you surprised to see?
- Who have been the best teachers there?
Note: Sometimes you have to sit alone at the Campfire and wait for people to come around — or seek them out. When they walk by, pat a chair and say, “I’ve saved a spot for you.”
Determine to find and nurture these types of relationships going forward.
Building Your Campfire
Think about the Campfire relationships you already have. The ones that feel productive, warm, and full of love. The conversations that are forward-moving, not trapped, not oppressive. The ones that are freedom giving, not freedom taking.
- Make those people a priority.
- Invite them to the Campfire.
- When others wander by the warmth you have created, pat the seat next to you and invite them to sit.
- You can build your own Campfires at home, at work, and in your communities.
Find your people and pull up a chair.